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 Post subject: Mara's Randumb Story
PostPosted: Thu Jan 30, 2014 12:53 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 16, 2006 4:45 am
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Location: Samsara
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It all started when our hero, Mara Sargon, woke up in a bush. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously frustrated, Mara Sargon poked a spoon, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Without warning, he realized that his beloved Idiot's Guide to AWDS was missing! Immediately he called his acquaintance, JakeSamiRulz. Mara Sargon had known JakeSamiRulz for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were striking ones. JakeSamiRulz was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... abrasive. Mara Sargon called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

JakeSamiRulz picked up to a very unctuous Mara Sargon. JakeSamiRulz calmly assured him that most puppies sigh before mating, yet otters usually charismatically sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Mara Sargon. Why was JakeSamiRulz trying to distract Mara Sargon? Because he had snuck out from Mara Sargon's with the Idiot's Guide to AWDS only five days prior. It was a striking little Idiot's Guide to AWDS... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Mara Sargon got back to the subject at hand: his Idiot's Guide to AWDS. JakeSamiRulz yawned. Relunctantly, JakeSamiRulz invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Idiot's Guide to AWDS. Mara Sargon grabbed his ironing board and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, JakeSamiRulz realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Idiot's Guide to AWDS and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Mara Sargon took the ricer, he had take at least two minutes before Mara Sargon would get there. But if he took the Megatank? Then JakeSamiRulz would be extraordinarily screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, JakeSamiRulz was interrupted by six pestering WWNers that were lured by his Idiot's Guide to AWDS. JakeSamiRulz cringed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he aimlessly reached for his stapler and thoughtfully grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Megatank rolling up. It was Mara Sargon.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of salt shakers, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Mara Sargon was out of the Megatank and went flamboyantly jaunting toward JakeSamiRulz's front door. Meanwhile inside, JakeSamiRulz was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Idiot's Guide to AWDS into a box of staplers and then slid the box behind his hibachi. JakeSamiRulz was worried but at least the Idiot's Guide to AWDS was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' JakeSamiRulz charismatically purred. With a skillful push, Mara Sargon opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted zealot in a ricer,' he lied. 'It's fine,' JakeSamiRulz assured him. Mara Sargon took a seat nowhere near where JakeSamiRulz had hidden the Idiot's Guide to AWDS. JakeSamiRulz sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Mara Sargon was distracted. Soon afterward, JakeSamiRulz noticed a stupid look on Mara Sargon's face. Mara Sargon slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

JakeSamiRulz felt a stabbing pain in his butt when Mara Sargon asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Idiot's Guide to AWDS right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Mara Sargon's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's paper clips from when she used to have pet wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Mara Sargon nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before JakeSamiRulz could react, Mara Sargon randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Idiot's Guide to AWDS was plainly in view.

Mara Sargon stared at JakeSamiRulz for what what must've been three days. Suddenly, JakeSamiRulz groped charismatically in Mara Sargon's direction, clearly desperate. Mara Sargon grabbed the Idiot's Guide to AWDS and bolted for the door. It was locked. JakeSamiRulz let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Mara Sargon,' he rebuked. JakeSamiRulz always had been a little funny-smelling, so Mara Sargon knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before JakeSamiRulz did something crazy, like... start chucking staplers at him or something. Out of nowhere, he gripped his Idiot's Guide to AWDS tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

JakeSamiRulz looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Mara Sargon. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Mara Sargon. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. JakeSamiRulz walked over to the window and looked down. Mara Sargon was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Mara Sargon was struggling to make his way through the thicket behind JakeSamiRulz's place. Mara Sargon had severely hurt his leg during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral WWNers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Idiot's Guide to AWDS. One by one they latched on to Mara Sargon. Already weakened from his injury, Mara Sargon yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of WWNers running off with his Idiot's Guide to AWDS.

But then God came down with His outgoing smile and restored Mara Sargon's Idiot's Guide to AWDS. Feeling relieved, God smote the WWNers for their injustice. Then He got in His '82 Corolla and zipped away with the fortitude of 550,000 puppies running from a enlarged pack of hamsters. Mara Sargon stumbled with joy when he saw this. His Idiot's Guide to AWDS was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes his favorite TV show, Barny, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When koalas meet unborn fetus'). Mara Sargon was overjoyed. And so, everyone except JakeSamiRulz and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting beavers lived blissfully happy, forever after.


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © http://www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

_________________
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"Bunny-cat is a dick."
~SF Debris, on Puella Magi Madoka Magica.

"It's like they took everything you shouldn't put into a movie... and made a show out of it."
~JakeSamiRulz, on Boku no Pico.

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